my half-figured adulthood

a path of uncertainty and slow work.

“what will you do after this?” — my friend asked me that while we were talking about the things we want to achieve once we finish our degree.

what do i want to do?

i’m not sure. i want to sit for my masters, but i also think about getting a job first so i can have my own income. then again part of me wants to just settle down for a bit and travel with my friends. and i also did thought about marriage even though there’s no one in mind. my mom told me that if i get married early she wouldn’t worry as much if i decide to pursue my masters overseas.

a big part of adulthood is honestly not knowing what the fuck we’re doing. i’m still figuring things out and just going wherever the wind takes me.

when i was a kid i couldn’t wait to be an adult. i thought by then i’d have everything figured out. we were told to look up to adults so i assumed they knew how to do everything. i thought adulthood is where i can finally find certainty, confidence and no more worrying.

but growing up, people kept telling us “act like an adult,” “be an adult,” “act your age,” while never actually teaching us how to be one. so how are we supposed to know what to do? how to act? we all get the same 24 hours a day to try and figure life out.

i’m an adult now, and there are still so many things i can’t do. i can’t drive yet, i get scared of the dark sometimes, my sense of direction is terrible, i don’t know how to cook complicated dishes. being an adult doesn’t mean achieving everything all at once. we’re still in this trial and error phase. honestly i think that applies to every age. we all grow and learn things step by step.

for a long time, i thought “growing up” only applied to kids. that once you hit 18 or 19 you stop growing and you’re supposed to be wise enough. turns out growing up never stops. even at 80 you’re still learning something new and still becoming a better version of yourself. all those lessons eventually become the “greatness” we looked up to as kids.

and knowing that, i can’t really blame my parents when they don’t know how to handle something. being a parent or an adult doesn’t mean you automatically know what to do. my mom didn’t just appear as a mom. it’s her first time being one. it’s my dad’s first time being a dad.

every role we get in life is something we’re learning as we go. we’re all just trying to figure out how to play our part in the best way we can.

in the end we all just wake up every day and do it anyway. waking up itself feels like one big effort in growing up. so if i don’t have it all figured out it’s fine. just remind me that no one else does either.

this is the only life we’ve got so we might as well spend it on the things we like and the things we want to do. go chase that dream! go chase that person! go and don’t look back. but also take your time because life isn’t a race. some things come fast, some things come slow and some things come only when you’re finally ready for them.

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thank you for reading! have a wonderful day everyone xoxo