19 but you act 25 now
yes this is heavily inspired by Conan Gray - Wish You Were Sober
i am aware that the song “Wish You Were Sober” by Conan Gray is about wanting someone to like you fr and not just when they’re drunk (am i right lol).
but i’ve always been really drawn to that one particular line from the song, which is also the title of this post— “19 but you act 25 now.”
and i kinda wanna interpret that line for myself and how i relate to it.
growing up, i’ve always been the independent, helpful, responsible daughter. resorts to be the only and eldest daughter who got sent off to a boarding school 400km away from home at the ripe age of 13. since then, i’ve just been used to doing life away from my parents and family.
my parents and family depend on me a lot. sometimes i do feel good about it like thanks for trusting me, yes i am that responsible eldest daughter type shit. they usually don’t worry about me. or maybe they do but just don’t show it?? idk.
but other times it’s sooo exhausting. i feel like i’m constantly under pressure to achieve things just to keep everyone satisfied. let’s say if i mess up or fall short, i’m not just failing myself but i’m disappointing them. and that guilt, that fear of letting people down… it eats at me sometimes.
another thing is can we talk about how “you’re so strong” lowkey starts to feel like a curse after a while? sure yeah okay i am strong thanks but also what choice did i have??
people say it resembling it’s a compliment, but it starts to sound more like “you’ll be fine, you always are” or “we don’t need to worry about you.” and that stings a little. because sometimes i do want to be worried about. i want someone to check up on me “are you okay?”, just the little things tbh, without assuming i’ve got it all handled just because i’ve always handled it.
it’s kind of because i’m the reliable one, the “independent eldest daughter,” everyone just skips over my feelings. like i’m not allowed to have breakdowns or bad days or even be normal levels of tired.
and i get it, i really do. i’ve built this image. i’m the responsible one. the do-it-all girl. but omg sometimes i just want to not be that for a second. i want to be a little reckless, a little dramatic, a little soft. just for once.
i don’t cry in front of my parents. i just don’t. it’s not even something i decided to though it just happened. it became a thing. crying in front of them feels awkward. like i suddenly don’t know how to be that vulnerable around them.
but sometimes i reallyyyy want to i wish i could just let it all out and cry in front of them without feeling weird or like i’m doing something wrong. because i know deep down i shouldn’t feel ashamed of crying, right? especially not over real things i’m going through. my problems are valid. my feelings are real.
but i guess when you grow up being the strong, stable one, crying starts to feel like you’re breaking character. as if you’re disappointing the version of yourself everyone depends on.
and that’s the part that hurts. not the crying, but the fact that i feel like i can’t.
but don’t get me wrong. i’m not saying i’ve never acted my age or been a little childish around them. i definitely have but yea you get what i mean.